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Seer of ghosts & weaver of stories

(You are very much not forgotten)

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Have you ever noticed that your spam emails fall into several discernible, limited categories?
Category patterns different from most other people that you know, even. It's as if the spammers have some super-secret method of profiling you. Totally inaccurately. For instance, looking at the spam emails that I get, you would surmise the following:

1) I have a penis.

2) I am a hypochondriac.

3) My lifelong dream is to own a Rolex.

Whereas, if you look at lifegivingsword's spam folder, you would surmise that he has a vagina, more bank accounts than any human being should reasonably have, and uncanny luck in winning sweepstakes. And might also be addicted to prescription drugs.

What do your spam emails say about you?

Oh, I have a penis and want larger breasts. Therefore I am clearly massively gender-confused. Also I am on about eight different diets and obsessed with making money on the stock market. Oh, spam.

Ooh! You're a gambling hermaphrodite with a really screwed-up eating disorder. That's genius.

My spam folder suggests that I am an impotent drug addict who wants a degree but can't be bothered with actually doing the work for it.

What a colorful rogues' gallery we are!

1. I have an unhealthy obsession with size, both waist and penis.

2. I can't tell the difference between a woman and an oil well, since I'm always supposed to be drilling her deep.

3. I ache to work at home for people who can't spell "position."

2. I can't tell the difference between a woman and an oil well, since I'm always supposed to be drilling her deep.


I think the persona-implied-by-spam needs a poem.

That it might. Hmmm. Perhaps that'll be phase two, if this takes on some kind of freakish momentum and turns into a meme? ;)

I, among other health problems, need to lose weight. I also need to get better in bed and get a degree.

Baseline: assume everybody is sick, or at least that they all believe they might be sick.

I'm clearly Russian, seeking luxury shopping and viagra.

There were also some good offers on wine and wool, that shouldn't have gone to the spam folder at all. So thanks for sending me to have a look!

Wine and wool? Medieval trading goes wireless. Huh.

Apparently I am fond of very bad dadaist poetry
("covet cocoa cocoa unwept!
band unwept gadget flog!
unfed adjust shrewd cocoa!
ruff warily except stodge?
mosaic guitar."), and badly want to buy a bachelor's degree.

...that may be the crackiest spam-poem I've ever seen.

teithiwr Expand
Mine say that not only do I have a penis, but it's small and doesn't work very well.

There are a great many things wrong with me that I need medicating cheaply.

I really want a Rolex but have issues with authenticity.

I'm not sure I care whether my Rolex is authentic or not...

I can get a PhD with my life experience! I would be able to afford it easily, given how many millions people are giving me, but all my dozens of bank accounts have been compromised due to too many login attempts.

I too have a penis, nicknamed the "pork pistol", but my woman is dissatisfied and doesn't like to have sex with me.

I have a burning desire for both a Rolex and a Ph.D., especially since my university is trying to contact me to retract the one I have. (Ph.D., not Rolex.)

I also get a lot of spam with prosaic subject lines like "Re: your question" and "Meeting yesterday." They've recently switched from gobbledygook usernames to pronounceable oddities like "Anacker Nanette," which I may have to save for a fanfic character someday.

I have a "pork sword!" Specifically, I am exhorted to "Give her concrete firmness - doping for your porksword."

ajodasso Expand
ajodasso Expand
I am extremely interested in purchasing degrees (to go, you know, with the Bach & Masters I have already), increasing my penis size by three inches (what would I do with a three inch penis, I ask you?), mail ordering brides, assisting people with their unexpected money windfalls (I'm practically a charity!) and having the "Bank of America" bank account I didn't know I had, hacked.

Hrm. Maybe that's where all the people I'm helping with their money are sending it to...that would explain why I never see any of it...

psyc2321 Expand
I need to buy:
- Plane tickets
- Pharmaceuticals
- Software
- Qualifications
- A cheap but classy watch

I may also be overweight.

The watch spam really confused me when it first started appearing.

daimonos Expand
I actually never thought about that before!

Ooh, lovely. One would also think that I have a penis (one that needs enhancement, at that), a strong addiction to prescription drugs, and that I have magically inherited millions from rich, random Europeans.

Heh, random Europeans. I also get ones from random Africans on occasion.

1) Help with losing weight (I'm 170cm and weigh 57)
2) Hairloss (I'm neither a man, nor old, nor have I had chemo therapy)
3) and one with the subject "She will love your big flute soundness". LOL! So I guess I have a penis too. Or play an instrument.

I love the ambiguity ;)

I have traditional family values, am insecure about my skill in bed, and need lots of misspelled medicine on the cheap.

Traditional family values, WTF?